by Johanna Osborne

I was reading an article the other day about how communication is key in relationships. Nothing earth shattering there, everybody knows that, right? Of course we do. We all know it in theory – practice on the other hand could use some work from most of us I suspect! This simple little article got me thinking just how important communication is in our everyday lives and how often things can go more than a little wrong just because someone didn’t use their words.
This applies of course most of all in relationships, but even in normal daily life communication can make or break a situation. Just think of that tradesman that has left you waiting for almost 2 hours now. He’s busy and it’s probably not even his fault, but had he exercised good communication and called you to tell you of the delay you’d probably be singing his praises by now. One small phonecall could change a bad situation into a good one.

When your sister seems moody and disinterested in your conversation you might feel annoyed, but if she used good communication skills and told you she was really feeling down about something, then your annoyance would swiftly turn to sympathy in one fell swoop.

When you see someone wearing something nice and you want to comment, but the moment passes and slips away. You feel bad later and think you should have said how lovely she looked, and likely it would have made her day.

In reality chances to communicate the good are in abundance, and it’s sad but true that we don’t often enough seize the chance to tell others how nice they look, how good they make us feel, how well they’ve done. Why? It’s not because we are mean and don’t want to make others feel good, it’s about distraction, not thinking outside our own square and what concerns us directly. To make others feel good you have to first feel good yourself and with life’s hassles in our path this is often easier said than done. Who has the time and energy to pay compliments when your phone won’t stop ringing?

Just think of all the chances we have each day: the co-workers that could be more positive towards each other, the boss that could praise his employees a little (or a lot) more, the diner at the restaurant that could give the waitress a kind word or two in exchange for good service. Communication and kindness go hand in hand. But we let far too many opportunities go unseized.

And of course there’s the flipside. In my former job as a recruitment consultant I met a lot of wonderful people, but every now and then there would be a real a tricky customer, often ladies who were determined to be difficult, rude and impolite. Some of them even breathed fire, I swear! Why? Well instead of taking it personally, it made me think that these people must have something going on to make them like this, a problem, a burden, a worry. After all, we are usually at our least lovable when we actually need the most love. Be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle said Plato, and damn straight sister he was right! If you can break through the icy front often there is something worth discovering underneath. Not everyone possesses good communication skills and instead of expressing what’s bothering them people mask insecurity, feelings of inadequacy and sadness with a rude or gruff exterior.

And of course communication is what makes the world of relationships go round. No one is a mind reader. If you are tired and grumpy and on the verge of a fight you might just have to say it out loud, although admitting you are in a bad mood is no easy feat. Telling the other person how you feel, and mastering the art of doing so tactfully is a true skill. Admitting “I’m in a bad mood, please don’t take anything I say to heart” could save many an argument. And of course during “heated discussions” not saying “You did this, you did that” but rather “When you do that, it makes me feel this way…” Yes the experts recommend it, but putting it all into practice takes work.

Relationships are not meant to be easy peasy fluffy and greasy all the time. Conflict has to happen and it’s the resolution which has the power to cement your union. It’s about talking things through. It’s about sharing what’s making you happy, what makes you anxious and what you dream about. Somewhere along the road of coupledom however couples can stop talking – TVs, phones and computers get in the way of the old fashioned cup of tea or glass of wine after dinner that was customary in our parents’ day. Looking towards the past is often a good way to find solutions for the present. What did all these people do who have been married for 50+ years? They made it work because there was no other way. They didn’t give up, if it was “broken” they fixed it and they didn’t walk away. They talked about it and saw it through. Jumping ship was not an option.

Respect and joy are key ingredients in the victory of a relationship. If you respect your partner you will be in awe of what they do, and gain joy from their successes, which you should wholeheartedly embrace and celebrate. Showing your happiness at your partner’s conquests in life is the best thing you could possibly do for their self esteem. And let’s face it, who doesn’t like to be praised?

Sharing stress, tension and anxiety is also critical in a relationship. Instead of bottling it up, locking it away and nervously digesting it when it sits like a rock at the bottom of your tummy is not the way forward. A problem shared is a problem halved. Your partner is there to help you, even if they don’t know what to say or have all the answers, the fact they listened to your problem is the first step in the right direction. Trust in them, they might surprise you. Just because your fiancé didn’t have a starring role in Sex and the City doesn’t mean he isn’t clued up on the wisdoms of womanhood.

Good things should always be said out loud. Don’t let that moment slip you by when you could have told your fiancé how much he means to you. If there’s time to text a friend or watch an episode of Shortland Street then there’s definitely time to make the ones you love feel good, cherished, appreciated and valued. It’s just a matter of awareness and priorities. If the world were to end tonight (bad descriptive to use at this present time, I know) would all the people you love most in the world know how you feel about them? Would they think “Ah yes, she really loved me and made me feel very special?” In theory that sounds nice and idyllic, but how many of us can claim that as a reality? It’s easier said than done. Wonder where I should begin? Might need to make a few phone calls myself…

I wonder if Susan, Rachel and Sally know how much I love our dinners out and how our bonding and sharing sessions put a spring in my stride for days on end afterwards? And I wonder if Amanda knows how much we miss her at table these days. I wonder if my Mum truly knows how much she means to me. She has always been my rock when I’ve gone through a hard time, needed help and guidance and I wonder if she is aware how much she has helped me over the years? I wonder if Sally knows that my childhood and teenage years spent getting up to no good with her are some of the most fun memories of my life? I wonder if Stephen knows that I thought he looked incredibly handsome as he swooped out the door to work this morning? I wonder if Di, Diane, Lesina, Lyn, Angela and Gina know lucky I felt to work with them and how dearly I hold these ladies in my heart? I wonder if Angie, Charlotte, Pam, Jane and Sarah know how happy and grateful I feel to have met some of the most fantastic friends ever right here in my neighbourhood? I wonder if Clare and Sally both know that my buggy walks with each of them in the first year of Milan’s life were the best therapy sessions and were single-handedly my saving grace? I wonder if Paula knows how incredibly fortunate I feel to write this blog and of course for MR&MRS magazine, my dream job and it’s all come true because of her! I wonder if my brother-in-law Chris knows that we think he’s the most awesome brother, friend and uncle there is, and nothing makes us happier than seeing Milan squealing with delight playing with his uncle. There are so many special people in my life and I wonder if I have done enough to make sure they know it. Chances are they have an idea of how I feel, but it never hurts to say it out loud! Right, time to work on those warm fuzzies…