by Johanna Osborne

There was a time when it was expected that a couple getting married would aim to start a family as soon as possible. And that’s still how many of us like to think. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. After all, what’s more wonderful than seeing a beautiful baby blossom as a result of your love? Wowee- your very own child! Within seconds of holding your baby in your arms, it becomes the most precious thing in the world to you. It’s the beginning of priceless shared moments – it’s the start of your very own family. Celebrations and events suddenly take on more meaning, joy is suddenly found in places where you never thought to look. Simple things provide pleasure and the selflessness you adopt is liberating. Yes, children and all they symbolise certainly bring enormous happiness and fulfilment to our lives.

So why are more and more people opting to have children later or not at all? Many can’t understand this new trend – after all, why wouldn’t you want to do what we were put on this earth for: to procreate and keep our species alive? Some people just don’t have the natural urge or instinct to become a parent. Some people choose not to have kids. And that’s quite alright too.

My husband and I waited 4 years after getting married to have a child. And it was a total of 10 years of being together before we felt ready to take that leap. And whilst we totally adore our son and our entire world now revolves around him, I completely understand why parenthood might not be for everyone. To be honest, until my baby boy came along, I didn’t really like children all that much. They just seemed messy, annoying and their vegemite fingers were a hazard to my pristine white coat and fancy pastel coloured dresses. Does that make me sound evil?

I’ve always been of the opinion that in order to be the best you can be for your child, you must have everything you need to feel good in yourself. And for us that was life experience. It was about wonderful travel, lovely hotels, scrumptious dinners out eaten at leisure, cinema visits – lots of them, sleeping in at weekends and lazing around in PJs all day on a Sunday if I felt like it, long, uninterrupted shopping trips… it was a glorious life and I lived it. And I lived it well. Being self indulgent and hedonistic was amazing. I loved every second of it and don’t regret a moment. And I can totally see why some people don’t ever see any reason to change their lifestyle. Some may opt to focus instead hard on their career and use their down time to reward themselves. And if that’s what they feel is right for them, then that’s absolutely the right thing to do. There is nothing worse than society’s pressure to do what’s expected. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. Other people’s opinions (except your partner’s of course) shouldn’t be a factor. I remember receiving more than a few gentle suggestions and prods re starting a family, and whilst they were in good spirit and well intended, I did at times feel slightly under pressure. But as I like to make my own decisions, I waited until I was ready, not when everyone else was.

And so it happened that my son entered the world at the best time he could have arrived… he was a true blessing and brought with him a happiness and love that we had never felt before. Suddenly he was here, and it was amazing. Did I change from one moment to the next? Not really. I was still me and always will be. The things that were important to me, like waking up, showering, getting dressed and looking presentable, seeing my friends, going shopping, taking time to myself, having lots of sleep… all those things were so important to me, and whilst I certainly needed to compromise, I early on instilled that those things would still be part of my life. I wasn’t going to lose what I needed in order to feel complete. I was not about to unravel and leave the house without brushing my hair. And it works. I haven’t lost myself in becoming a parent – if anything I have gained so much. I am more humble, practical, realistic and down to earth. Probably a lot more likeable than I was before, if I am to be honest. I have learnt skills that I never knew I had, and I am more confident. I guess I have finally grown up, and I have my son to thank for that. He has taught me not to be embarrassed so easily, which has stood me in good stead when he’s thrown monster tantrums in crowded stores, and I’ve learnt not to care about the staring, judging faces. People are often surprised at how frank and honest I am about the hardships of parenthood and the struggles us Mummies face, but if I can’t be honest about that, then I’m only kidding myself. Yes, there are days and moments where strapping a toddler who is arching his back and fighting me tooth and nail into a car seat seems like an insurmountable task, but when he’s all gooey and smiley in my arms, and sings his own off-tune version of ‘twinkle twinkle little star’, I just melt. He’s mine and I would move heaven and earth for him. Nothing or no one is more important. All the things that mattered before, whilst still important, are now in a different ranking order. He is first and foremost. Always. And I don’t feel like I’m missing out on a thing. Perhaps it’s because instead of looking for “happy”, I have found it. In fact it’s sleeping soundly right now in its bed, and it will wake again tomorrow morning with a big bright “good morning mama!”.

I’ve also redeemed myself – I’ve gone from being like something out of ‘The Witches’ to becoming rather popular with the under 5 set. For some reason children seem to like me, and it stands me in great stead in the playground. Milan’s mummy always has nice snacks and is immature enough to play silly games at the drop of a hat.

Life is hard and children take –and deserve – time. My child is a handful but I do believe in the saying that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Children enter our lives for a reason and should be loved to an inch of their life. They are the most precious we will ever care for, and every child has a right to be loved and looked after well. But that’s a big commitment and not everyone wants that. And that’s a choice, one which deserves enormous respect. I know if I had not had a child I would have led a very happy life. Now that I have my son I couldn’t and wouldn’t imagine it any differently, but there are two sides to every coin and everyone has the right to choose.

What am I trying to say today? I get it. I know it’s hard. Women who want it all and see others who do. But it’s not as easy as it looks. And parenthood is a journey not everyone wants to take. Relationships can be hard enough, and whilst the love of a child can solidify it, kids can also sorely test you as a couple. My advice: follow what your heart tells you. Deep inside you know the answer… do what’s right for you, not what you think you should be doing. When all is said and done, it’s about you and your husband and the life you make together. And whatever journey that might be, it’s bound to be a great one!

“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.” Henry David Thoreau.