by Johanna Osborne

Many of us get so caught up in planning an amazing wedding (and rightly so!) that we forget what comes afterwards. The honeymoon? Well that too, (again très important!) but something else … namely, “the marriage”.

My husband and I celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary over the weekend and I could hardly believe it’s been nearly a decade since that fateful day when we tied the knot. My friends often tell me that we look happy and ask what our secret is. It’s immensely flattering, but I can’t for the life of me give any pointers. All I can say is that you do your best, never lose sight of what’s important, respect each other and don’t be too proud to admit you are wrong. So far that’s got us through, but of course when you are talking about the most precious commodity of all – love and marriage – it pays to see what the experts have to say. So here goes…

What is the secret to a long lasting happy marriage? Someone who knows a thing or two, the ueber-wise Dalai Lama, has often shared his views on the merits of a good, long lasting marriage; “Too many people in the West have given up on marriage. They don’t understand that it is about developing a mutual admiration of someone, a deep respect and trust and awareness of another human’s needs…The new easy-come, easy-go relationships give us more freedom — but less contentment.”

I think he might be on to something there. Back in the olden days marriages were built to last, so perhaps if we look back at how people thought then, we can find some answers there.

The secret, it seems, is to continue – or perhaps even revive – your courtship. According to the experts, successful marriages don’t just happen, they have to be encouraged and allowed to flourish. Taking each other for granted is an easy trap to fall into, and one that can lead to a dangerous road – as the monotony that results can damage a relationship. As the famous saying goes; “Familiarity breeds contempt”, so focus on keeping your love alive by remembering to express how much you care about each other, whilst keeping things fresh, interesting and exciting. Relationship expert Dr Anna Wood says; “Love and happiness are not found by seeking them for yourself, but rather by giving them to others. It’s a good idea to spend as much time as possible doing things together that you both enjoy. Learn to greet each other with enthusiasm. Relax, visit, shop, sight-see, eat together. Don’t overlook the little courtesies, encouragements, and affectionate acts. Surprise each other with little gifts. Try to “out-love” each other. Don’t take more out of marriage than you put into it. Divorce itself is not the greatest destroyer of marriage, but rather, lack of love. Given a chance, love always wins.”

So it really does come down to simple things. Keep laughter alive. Crack up and have a good old belly laugh together. There are few things that bond you more. Continue to “date” – each other, of course! Go out, dress up, be waited on. It’s miraculous how much more focused you become on each other without the distractions of home around you. Celebrate the small things and share in each other’s joys. Honestly put, if we just express the same amount of excitement, caring and love for our partners that we do for our friends, then we are already half way there.

Whilst we haven’t uncovered any great mysteries today, it’s always good to be reminded of the little things that are so important, yet so easy to forget. Listen, show interest, say thank you and be kind … it’s the small things in life that go a long, long way… and at the end of the day when you are in your rocking chair 50 years from now, you want your husband or wife to be the best friend sitting by your side, admiring and loving you in all your wrinkly glory. Because that’s what true love is. You won’t remember the tiny details from the past, who scored in the footie, what that phone call was about or whatever else seemed so important at the time, all you will remember is who was there for you when you needed it most. And that should always be your husband or wife.

Conclusion – much like we take style cues from vintage fashion, so too it seems we should take a more old-school approach to modern love. An approach where you put the effort in and don’t give up; where love conquers all. And so what if it’s not perfect and you fight and you have problems? That’s life. The strength is in working it out and being humble enough to admit you made a mistake, and strong enough to want to fix it. As the famous saying goes, holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die… it’s counter-productive. Work together and you will see wonderful results. So cheers to all of us and the long path to our golden wedding anniversaries; no marriage is perfect, but it can be perfectly imperfect!

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.” -Ursula K. Le Guin